the “eyes” have it…

i’ve been pretty nonexistent this last month, as you may have noticed.

oops.

long story short, my eyes decided to mutiny and i spent the better part of may struck down with ridiculous migraines and annoyingly doubled vision.

as a result, the only thing i could manage was to just barely crawl through my desk job responsibilities (which has me staring at a computer screen for 8+ hrs a day) and some days, i couldn’t even manage that.

but, enough of that pity party parade.

my eyes are on the mend, my head is (mostly) pain free, and i am so ready to get this show back on the road.

over the next coming weeks, watch this space (!) for more awesome posts and fun adventures to be had!

there may even be a few surprises on the horizon.

but you didn’t hear it from me.

welcome summer! it’s about time you got here!

xx

stop the train, i want to get off…

i’ve been sitting in the parking lot of our local bookstore for the last twenty minutes and yet, i can’t quite bring myself to get out of the car and walk in.

i want to, but for whatever reason, i just can’t bring myself to do it.

i know my anxiety is high, and it has been for the last few days and that could be part of the problem, but still, this is annoying.

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we all have different ways of coping with difficulties in life and usually, going to the bookstore and emersing myself into the world of a good book is the way to do it for me, but that does not appear to be the case today.

today, i can’t shake the feeling that i’m missing the bigger picture and that the universe is trying to tell me something, but i’m too out of tune to notice or decifer what it is.

and that’s annoying to me.

it’s supremely annoying when the world and the noise and the chaos are all too much to handle and i just want to curl up in bed for a year and not have to deal with it.

it’s also annoying that i know from experience that this doesn’t actually help anything.

it’s also irritating that i wanted this to be some super poetic, self help, “everything’s gonna be okay!” post but i don’t have the energy.

i’m having to stop myself from apologizing for that, if only because i have some self implemented goal in my head to always be uplifting and motivated, but that’s on me.

so, i’m not going to apologize for having a bad day or for failing to reach the goals i’ve set for myself.

there’s always tomorrow, after all.

xx

embracing the glorious mess…

i am an incredible clusterfuck of a human being.

some of you (you know who you are…) will take issue with my saying that, because it’s negative self talk, right, but it’s not negative.

it’s embracing the truth of my existance.

and you know what? if i’m being honest with myself, i’m happiest when i’m my messiest.

i’m never going to be one of those “instagram girls”, my eyebrows will never be “on point” and i will never, ever, ever know where my keys are, even though i just fucking had them and i don’t undertand-

i am me when i’m ridiculous and silly.

when i’m laughing so hard i can’t help but snort and when i’m ugly crying at a movie i’ve seen hundreds of times.

when i’m late for work and i have to take an alternative route but i get to sit and watch a family of turkeys play in the road in front of me and i wouldn’t have gotten the chance otherwise.

when i throw my hands up and say “fuck it” and sing that song at the bar or dance to that song i love. it’s not pretty, but it’s me.

my hair is never going to be tamed. it is a wild, frizzy lion’s mane of a thing and it won’t ever be anything else and i’ve given up trying.

let it be. let it go.

i try to pay my bills on time, but sometimes, things like food (or a matt nathanson concert…) come first and that’s okay too.

i am relearning myself.

i love yoga and vegan food and dancing to stupid songs.

i love coffee at midnight even though i have to work in the morning.

i have crippling anxiety that sometimes keeps me from doing the things i want to do.

fuck off, anxiety.

i love toting my camera around so that i can snap a photo of whatever it is that’s lucky enough to catch my eye.

hi, i’m ess and i am a wonderful, glorious, ridiculous mess.

who are you?

is “hobbitting” a thing?

if not, it should be.

i went on an adventure yesterday.

mostly unplanned, but still, enjoyable, it was one of the first really nice days of spring and when a friend (@asolitaryfeast) wanted to go to lunch, i couldn’t resist heading downtown for a stroll.

i love the atmosphere of downtown, what with all the hustle and bustle and fun to be found where you least expect it (we found a coffee shop tucked back in an alley one time. would never have known it was there if we hadn’t wandered that way on a whim).

we stopped at a second hand/antique store where i found about a dozen empty bottles for .50 a piece and i had to take them home. i don’t know what i’ll do with them, but what with the holistic shop i’m planning on opening very soon (watch this space!), i’m sure i’ll think of something.

anyway, we went to lunch at a lovely sushi restaurant and had poke bowls (poh-k? Poh-kay? we aren’t really sure, but if any of you know, please drop a comment.)

while not a fan of sushi all that much, i did enjoy the shrimp in my poke bowl, with its rice, ginger sauce and other toppings.

after that, we ducked in and out of a few local shops to peruse the new spring  “must haves” and other things.

we also stopped for what turned out to be the best chocolate chip peanut butter cookie i’ve ever had in my life. i half wish i was joking, but i’m not.

all in all, it was a fun day, full of good food and good company, and i hope to do it again soon.

xx

riding that ebb and flow…

i’m in a weird place.

my mind is clearer than it has been in actual months (both thought-wise and pain-wise), i’ve decided that i want to go back to school (though i haven’t told anyone because i need to do this for me, not them), and the business i’m trying to open (the first step of which being this blog) has made amazing progress.

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needless to say, i’ve never been more productive.

it’s exciting and it’s scary.

i feel this incredible need to go-go-go-go, but i’m also exhausted and i don’t want to burn myself out.

i suppose, in some ways, this post is a reminder that i need to stop and breathe once in a while and that’s okay.

my biggest complaint about society is that everyone is in such a rush all the time, even while i fall into the same trap as the rest of the world.

so, this is me, slowing down.

i have all the time in the world to accomplish the things i want to and it’s not a race.

I AM enjoying the calm and stillness of the creative process,

what will be, will be.

i just need to remember to be patient.

xx